How to NOT Learn a Foreign Language

As a self-described expert in failing at learning language, take it from me if you’re trying to NOT learn a foreign language.

I have vast experience, having failed at learning not one,

not two,

and not even three foreign languages..

I’m a TRUE BLUE not-learning expert.

I have NOT learned 4 different foreign languages (Spanish, French, Thai, and Portuguese)

Wanna be mono-lingual like me? Follow these easy peasy guidelines.

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Be shy

Always act really shy and feel scared to practice in the streets.

Don’t start by trying your hand at easy stuff, like hello, thank you, or excuse me.

And by all means, don’t even attempt conversation. That’s just impossible.

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Get really flustered by mistakes

Agonize over every possibly wrong conjugation.

Beat yourself up for mispronunciations and even minor mistakes. You know you sound stupid when you make little errors, and everyone must be laughing at you.

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Don’t speak unless it’s perfect

If you aren’t sure how to pronounce something, or you’re undecided on the proper word, it’s better to just stay quiet.

Speaking up means you could be wrong or misunderstood. Even worse, you could accidentally curse and totally embarrass yourself

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Tune out of conversations above your current level

If you don’t understand 100% of a conversation, stop listening. Don’t try to figure out unknown words by using context, and definitely don’t write down words to look up later in your dictionary.

And obviously, don’t politely ask the speaker what they mean or about a particular word.

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Arrive completely clueless

If you’re moving or studying abroad, don’t start practicing before you arrive.

Definitely don’t plan in advance, and get a teacher or attend a conversation class. Don’t check out cultural articles, or study a bit of vocabulary.

It’s better to arrive totally blank.

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Don’t practice every day

After language class, go back to speaking and thinking in your native language. Don’t ever practice outside of class.

Don’t set aside a bit of time every day to study vocabulary and practice. You only practice language within the confines of the classroom.

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Continue watching movies in your native language

Don’t even go the easy way out by adding your learning language subtitles to gain familiarity with new words.

Keep it all native language, all the time.

Of course, don’t change the spoken language to your learning language (maybe with your native language subtitles). Or, oh goodness, watch foreign movies in your learning language about your learning culture!

Don’t consume any media – music, literature, and yes, movies – in your learning language.

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Make excuses

Tell yourself that you suck at learning languages and it just isn’t for you. If you’re reading this, you already speak the most widespread, and by many accounts the most international, language already.

Soon, there’ll be a perfect translation app and all those hours spent language learning would be for nothing.

Plus, barely anybody speaks Language-You’re-Trying-Not-to-Learn outside of Country-it-is-Most-Spoken-In anyways. It’s basically a waste of time.

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Give up

Get overwhelmed by the enormity of learning a completely new language. Jeesh, the last time you did this, it was decades ago and you were a baby!

It’s better to give up than to fail.

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Have you had any success in learning languages? Have you been as unsuccessful as me?

Any tips to share?